A Man with a Flashlight


Giuliani: Four more years of FEAR! FEAR! FEAR!
April 7, 2007, 2:51 pm
Filed under: Politics

Just when you thought it was safe to expect a politician to attempt argument or persuasion, Giuliani brings back the panic speech.

Giuliani… what can you say. I honestly don’t know the first thing about him, and I am eager not to know much more. The more he opens his mouth, the more he strikes me as one of those little emperor-kings that society has to farm out to jobs like basketball coaching. Not because they’ll do good jobs, but because it will limit them to destroying the psyches of teenage boys, which is a small price to pay for the greater good of mankind.

So what’s Giulianissimo got in mind for our country?

“What they say in Washington is not going to affect the fact that there are terrorists around the world that are planning to come here and kill us,” he said in Iowa, in the most spirited part of his newly honed stump speech.

…And speaking at a high school in St. Petersburg, Fla., he maintained that the struggle would be over only “when they stop planning to come here and kill us.”

Now, I don’t expect much from a campaign speech, in fact there is something downright creepy about them. A politican spends years honing his ruthlessness and aggression and kicking friends in the face to get to the top of the political heap, and then people bring them babies to kiss. The desperate effort it takes to give an audience a folksy, humble, charming personality that doesn’t exist at all can really put a strain on a presidential candidate, like Anthony Perkins trying to make smalltalk with Janet Leigh in Psycho. “You eat like a bird,” he stammers… but she glances at the stuffed birds all over his wall and the conversation goes dead.

But the least I would demand from a stump speech are some cheap platitudes about American greatness that can make everyone forget about the problems of our country, at least until they walk out of the convention hall and find their car sitting on cinderblocks and a homeless sea captain shooting heroin in the back seat. Where is my morning in America? Where is my city on the hill? Where are my thousand points of light? Giuliani’s vision is basically: yes, you will live in abject fear, but at least you will have me by your side, to keep you in abject fear.

Is there any person alive who doesn’t know terrorists are plotting to kill us? I think we have pretty much reached a saturation point with this. Babies are being delivered and announcing to the hospital staff, “Screw the pacifier, screw the milk, just don’t let Ahmandinejad get the bomb.”

Yes, we know it – but Rudy knows it more:

Pointing his finger and bouncing up and down on his toes, he declared, “It is something I understand better than anyone else running for president.”

Ah, we get to the tragedy-miners’ Precious, their most secret joy. Everybody knows – but they understand. They get it. Just in case you had forgotten that neocons are irritating pricks, they managed to pull one bright silver lining out of the big cloud of September 11, which is their decoder ring fan club. Anyone who asks annoying questions or deviates from parroting the adminstraiton is not allowed to join, because you don’t get it. It’s like they still resent being called square during the sixties, so they are going to milk this sad substitute for hipness for all it’s worth. At least these phrases work like Demetri Martin says about hair gel, it’s a convenient marker for recognizing assholes from a distance.

Come to think of it, they were square in the seventies, eighties, and nineties too.

What about how to fight the terrorists? What about how to stop Iran from getting the bomb? Giuliani doesn’t have a plan, unless this counts:

At a house party in New Hampshire on Monday, he said the United States would most likely be fighting in Iraq for a long time, “unless there is some kind of miracle.” He attacked the “dangerous and irresponsible” Democratic effort for a withdrawal timetable.

Hm, just continue the war. Hey, I guess it’s worked out well so far.

Does it ever occur to these bucketheads that if we wiped out the Nazis and fought the Empire of Japan to surrender, maybe we can mop up some God freaks with machetes and camcorders, with a minimum of terrified squeaking? Do they ever wonder why, when faced with an enemy infinitely more dangerous, when defeat would have meant the fall of the American republic, FDR told the American public that there was nothing to fear but fear itself? Do they have any concern for our morale, for our confidence in this project? Hell, no, they don’t. They do, however, have an intense concern for milking our anxieties for every vote they can squeeze out.

Giuliani is a tragedy-miner and a thug. If he trots out much more of this crap, he will only get my vote if he runs for King of Shrill. Or President of 9/11.

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